The Vanishing Blogger

What does it mean when a blogger stops blogging? It could be a lot of things:

 

I am busy – yes

I kind of have nothing interesting to write about – yes

I have gained weight – YES!!!!

 

Ugh, I am so not in a good place. I am frightened to see the scale up for the first time in 2 years, seriously frightened. I am slipping into very old habits. It started probably about a month ago – I have been tight since then. I know it is mostly from stress – work is stressful right now and at home things are OK but we have a big trip to Disney planned at the end of this month then we go right onto Christmas so I am watching money like a hawk. Money (or lack there of) always equals stress.

 

So I have been tight, but not to the point I wanted to go in to get some fluid removed (yet), but the last 2 weeks have been the worst. I fell into a cycle of eating sliders – popcorn (yes, Jenny Chicago mix too), peanut butter M&M's (protein right), brie (?). The list could go on. I finally got scared straight when I stepped on the scale and saw a 9 pound weight gain. Suddenly I could easily see how people who have WLS put it back on. I do not want to go from a poster girl for band success to statistic.

 

I decided to have a couple mushie days (healthy mushies) to see if it would help the tightness and it seems to have worked. I've eaten proper dinner 2 nights in a row – a victory. I am trying to be very aware of what's going in my mouth and I'm logging food. This morning I had dropped 2 pounds (I'm sure some of the weight was bloat from sodium) which has helped my mental state.

 

This really goes back to me (and many of us) learning to deal with weight like thin or normal size people do. If they gain 5 pounds they address it immediately, not when it turns into to 20, 50 or 100. How many times have you rolled your eyes a skinny woman who was dieting to lose 5 pounds and said "bitch please"? The thing is they are right – it's easier for me to deal with this now then when I'm pushing 200 pounds again.

 

It feels good to write it out and admit I screwed up and acknowledge I'm addressing it. We are lucky to have our bands, they help so much, but it will always be something I have to pay attention to. That's OK.

Why I Heart Chicago

Well, I didn't take any pictures in Chicago (well, a few on my phone), but I knew there would be tons around that would be shared. Of course I had a great time and there was far too little time to get to really talk to everyone the way I wanted to. I did get to spend time with some people I didn't last year (like Jenny & Draz) and some new people I was excited to meet (like Amanda and Liz).

I did a ton of fun things; ate a lot, went to a sex shop, shopped a little, walked the city, stared at a (wo)man's ass that we would all kill for, sat in my pajamas with 50 other women.

 

What I really want to write about Chicago is the feeling you get from being with everyone else. It was my second year and it really felt different – things and places felt familiar, I felt less guarded.

Generally when people asked me where I was going I would say a "girl's weekend" – which is what it was, but I don't think people envision 50+ women with organized events and sponsors. I did tell my Mom both this year and last about it and while I know she was happy I was going to have fun I don't think she quite got it. I mean I guess we all know people who would think we were crazy to fly or drive across the country to meet people they met on the internet. Sometimes it sounds crazy to me.

 

The love and acceptance we give and get from each other is hard to explain in words. It's that I can look one of them in the eye across the room and burst out laughing about something silly, it's having an "issue" during a meal and having no one freak out or judge you, it's feeling comfortable enough to change clothes in front of women and not feel ashamed about not being perfect.

 

I have made life long friends through this blog – I never imagined that when I started, but I am thankful to you all.

Home Again, Home Again

Why is unpacking so much less fun than packing??

I am home from Chicago to a messy house but loving family.

I am tired, but recharged. Stories and pictures will follow, but I wanted to thank everyone who came for making it a fabulous weekend. It was great to see new and old friends.

To my fellow planners, you are amazing group of women I am honored to have exchanged 10,000 emails with. I love you all.