Warning – this post kind of took off in a weird direction and I just let it go.
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I'm blah. I'm not posting much lately so I thought I would share my blah-ness. I haven't lost much since 2 weeks ago when I busted into the 100's. I've been hovering at 197.5-198 for a week and 1/2. It's my TOM so I usually get a little loss right after that – fingers crossed.
I just found out my Mom and Dad (who have been at my sisters houses in Virginia since last week) are coming to our house tomorrow(not Thursday as planned) so I have tons of cleaning to do tonight (before Lost). Our guest bedroom is really the guest bedroom/playroom/clothes that are too big for Linda storage area. So basically it's full of pink princess toys and about 6 pair of size 20 jeans(anyone need some??). Does anyone else have a neat freak Mom? It's a lot of pressure, I don't go crazy for her like I used to ( I am not a slob, but my house is lived in) and I don't get offended when I come home from work and she and my Dad have swept and moped my floors. It's just how she is and I love her.
I hadn't seen my parents since Christmas, so I saw them Saturday at my nephew's 1st Communion. I think in that time I went from pleasantly plump to kind of normal looking, so my Mom was happy. I know I've talked about my Mom before – she's heavy and has battled her weight her whole life. I know she is happy I did this and a little sad that she did have this available to her when she was younger. I must have seen my Mom lose 70 – 100 pounds 5 or 6 times in my life and at 70 she's probably at her heaviest. I know she's been trying but she says the weight doesn't come off like it used to and I'm sure at this point 50+ years of yo-yo dieting has wrecked her metabolism. It's a hard situation because I know the struggle and I pray that when I'm her age what I've chosen to do now (getting the band) will have made it a non issue for me.
It's strange right now because I would never blame my Mom for me being fat (anymore than she would blame her Mom), but I know I learned bad habits and comfort eating from her. Yet I can't point the finger because she raised 4 children and I am the only one who has a huge weight problem. Why did they escape and not me? Some of it I'm sure is that I was alone growing up and they had each other as built in playmates (I am 8-10 years younger). I sat home and watched TV and ate. I know my parents tried – I did play sports and I vividly remember going on "treats on the weekend only" diets when I was young(I have opinions on this maybe I'll share another time), but I feel like I was destined to be the fat daughter, sister, friend. The pretty face girl (we all know the feeling).
Why now at 38 do I feel like I'm ready to screw with destiny and leave behind what has truly defined me? And I really hate to say that the number on the scale has defined me, but it has – it still does. Right now my identity (at work at least) is Linda – "who used to be really fat, but is now kind of hot". I'm not sure if there's one reason- I needed to be healthier, I want to be a better role model for my daughter, I want to know what it feels like to wake up one day and not have my weight be the first thing I think of. I want to stop being defined as a size.
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12 comments:
I liked where that went :)
Sorry you are feeling blah. I know what you mean about weight defining you. So many of my memories are around how much I weighed at the time - Cruise of August 2006 I was about 203 and while I was not happy with my weight, i was in a 16 so it wasn't too bad. I have a lot of good pictures from that trip. When we moved into this house I was in the 220s - 1st Christmas didn't want to be photographed in the 230s. Trip to Cancun in 2008 I ran from the camera. Anyway, you get the idea. If it's too much to do dinner on Monday with your parents staying with you, just let me know. Otherwise, I'm looking forward to meeting you.
You have done so well and come so far. It is time to just let it go and enjoy your mom while you still have her. My mother is alot like yours. She is the neatfreak and I stress about cleaning before they come and visit. We are clean people too, but the fact that she wants to stay at the hotel so she can get reward points makes me feel like it all isn't enough. I had to let it not get to me. My mother is jealous of me over the band. Her insurance excludes bariatric surgery. She is trying to lose weight, but I know it won't stay off. I have a case of the blahs too, you think spring has worn off?
Linda this post really touched me. You see I am/was that Mom who is/was setting the bad example for Emily. She is 10 years younger than Samantha & is also getting chubby. We received her annual BMI report from school last week & it listed her as overweight. She watches a lot of TV & snacks often....and I allowed it. She just started eating salad for the first time LAST WEEK - there's something wrong with that picture & I blame myself. So, DH & I, just like you, are making life changes that will help our daughter & make us a little "hot" for the first time ever. Here's to your hotness & health!!!
Great post. I also have 1 kid out of 4 who is chubby - my 13 year old DD. I like to think she did not really get her snacking habits from me...otherwise why do the other kids not have any issues? It is almost inborn! She -- like me -- just seems to get a bigger kick out of eating than her brothers (or so far, her little sister). Like it is more fun, rewarding, enjoyable for her than her brothers. Why? I think some of it is a genetic brain thing.
It is so upsetting to know she is going to follow in my footsteps unless something major changes. The one thing I can do is keep her from dieting. I know that would be the worst thing for her. Hopefully as she becomes more self-conscious she will start exercising more and paying better attention...
Meanwhile, my mother is the opposite of a neat freak (her house is dirtier than mine!) and she has always had a major weight problem. This is the largest she has been. She had her thyroid removed and all hell broke loose. She probably gained 100 pounds. But before that, for as long as I can remember, it was yo-yo dieting, with a few eating disorders thrown in for good measure. I told her about the band and encouraged her to look into it for herself -- she was interested and started to research her insurance requirements, but then sort of gave up. I think she may be too old (she is 63), but I also think she is afraid of losing her best friend, food.
Anyway, this post had so much I relate to. Even the plateau part!
Keep working at it, the weight will come off eventually for us all!
Like what Bonnie said, my lifes history can be recalled so vividly in my mind according to how much I weighed at the time. I try not to be a slave to the scale and stop letting a number define me, but it is just as hard as the addiction to food. I wish I had the answers...
Great post!!! My mom is heavy too and one of my daughters is slightly overweight. If no one else has claimed them, I WOULD LOVE THOSE SIZE 20's! I just got into my one and only decent pair today! Email me at amandakiska@yahoo.com.
I relate to you on the mom thing. My mom has never really been super heavy, but she was always on a diet. Out of 5 kids I am the only one that has a problem. I just hope that I'm not passing it along to my kids.
wow--excellent post. I can so much relate to all of it! It is a happy, exciting and sometimes scary path redefining who we are with weight loss. You have pegged the feelings dead on.
Tina
Great post. I can identify with all of it. Thanks for sharing.
Awesome post Linda. It's kind of stwewing in my brain as we speak.... Thanks for just going with it and not editing yourself :-)
Glad you just went with that post, it was good reading and struck a few chords with me...
:)
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